Don't hole up in your cave

There is only one thing that I remember from my dream last night: I am late for a conference (a spiritual retreat) and wearing a red-colored ski, which I unzip before entering the conference room, but I stay in it, although I am wearing normal clothes underneath. Somewhat embarrassed, without looking at the people in the room, I find a chair, sit down and start listening to the lecture.

That's what's actually happening in my life. The red overall represents my carnal mind, it is the propensity to overeat, to stuff myself with food, to eat because it feels good and to continue eating even when it starts hurting. I rarely say to myself, "OK, it's enough now." Although when I do, it actually works. Why don't I say it more often? Why don't I affirm that I love God more? What is it that I am still looking for in food? Is it just a habit that I cannot shake off because I repeated it so many times that it now happens automatically?

My heart changed, my heart loves God. But so many times I forget to talk to him, to pray, contemplate, spend time with him. Sometimes I am spending more time with food than with God. There is a saying, You are who your friends are. Many times food is a better companion for me than God. As much as I am embarrassed to admit it, this seems to be the case. I don't want to take off my red overall, and yet I want to be at the conference, communing with God.

There's warring in my members, as Paul said to Romans. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. (Romans 7:22-23)

The law of sin is in my members because I still like to indulge even if I know it's not right. Jesus had been fasting for 40 days in the wilderness, when Satan came, challenging him to turn the stones into bread, if he is the Son of God as he claims. But Jesus flatly refused, saying that man doesn't live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. He didn't argue with Satan or engage in a discussion with him, but clearly stated "I am not interested". And he affirmed the Word of God by which he lives. This is what I forget to do - or my ego wants me to forget. Because there's still a part of me which is interested, so there is no single-eyed vision which says: this is who I am, this is what I want in life, and as a consequence, this is how I live. I am divided in myself. And a house divided in itself cannot stand.

That's why Jesus said that the greatest commandment of the Law is "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:37) That's when you know who you are - a beloved son or daughter of God - and you think, feel, and act accordingly. You have a single-eyed vision and you are not distracted by the temptations of this world. You know that the only place you want to go is where God sends you, and the only desire you entertain is to serve God.

I want to serve God but I regularly find myself serving my ego as well. This hasn't brought me very far because it's like one step forward and one step back, and I am standing in one place. Yes, stagnation has been the grand theme of my life, even after I've found the spiritual path, because there was a conflict of interest: I was serving two masters.

And not just that, but there was fear. Instead of simply doing something I felt was worthwhile, I feared I wouldn't be good enough and that people wouldn't be interested, and I started finding excuses why it's more of a trouble than benefit - and finally I gave up! Instead of trusting that it's a worthy goal and asking God for help, I rather listened to the voice of doubt. My heart told me YES, my mind told me NO.

Another thing that happens is that indulgence stifles the voice of the heart. If you spend too much time in bad company, you won't feel too inspired. Too much food makes you heavy, lazy, sleepy and inert. So it's like two forces working together: on one hand indulgence, which turns you into a useless blob of meat, and on the other hand fear of making a move, which makes you hide in your cave and - indulge. A vicious cycle.

Which was first - fear or indulgence? I don't know. It's like asking what was first, the chicken or the egg. Well, first was God. In case of fears and indulgences - first was separation from God. Once you are separated, doubt creeps in easily, you don't trust yourself, you don't think you'll make it, you think it won't make a difference anyway, what's the use, etc etc. You kill your creativity, you silence your heart. And then you need to console yourself with something, and there come in various surrogates and indulgences.

Instead of giving out, you take in. When you give out selflessly, the love of God is moving through you and replenishes you. The more you give, the more you receive. But when you don't give out, you start decaying. That's very sad because God gave us talents and gifts and we only need to express them, and yet we don't. As if a cherry tree would refuse to bloom and give cherries, because it thinks it's not good enough or it's too hard to give cherries. Sure, we are a little different than cherries but you get my point - it's hard only when we are disconnected from God. The cherry tree is following God's plan for her - and it blossoms beautifully.

You can blossom too, if you open your heart to God. Don't hole up in your cave, don't allow indulgence or fear or guilt to eat you up. Open up the windows of your soul, breathe in some fresh air! And then, allow yourself to be moved.