I CAN do it because I have it in me!

These past few days I've going through some self-condemnation, telling myself what a failure I am, and not even being able to decide about the smallest things in my life, like which hairdresser to go to. There is also a workshop now on Saturday about becoming an entrepreneur, and I was thinking to go but as the deadline for applications was approaching (today), I started vacillating if I should go, because it's not what I really need and it probably won’t help me anyway... But I noticed the usual pattern of feeling stuck, and yet refusing to do anything about it because it "probably won't work."

And so I got out of the house this morning, determined to still get some things done. So the first was hairdresser. Originally I wanted to go to a place in a shopping mall near my house (called Anna, for future reference :) ), but yesterday I peeked through the window and didn't like the personnel there. And the other one, in my building, was closed both yesterday and today as I passed by it (they left a note on the door "Be back soon" with a phone number but I had a strong sense not to call them). And I also was pretty sure that I want to go to a local hairdresser, not to the city center. So as I realized that one was closed and the other didn’t have the nicest personnel, I had to think...

So I stopped by the side of my building and contemplated, holding my chin, I was aware that I am blowing the whole thing out of proportions because one shouldn’t linger so much on such small things. Yet I also knew it was a test for me. So I simply said to myself "I am going to Anna, and that's it! I am willing to take the risk!" (and behind it was a thought: I can do it! I am not incapable! I am able to have my Divine Direction!) And so I went and it turned out that the personnel was different than yesterday, and very kind and skilled too. I was very satisfied. It was such a big lesson, the whole thing (including the meditation/contemplation I had while sitting there, waiting for my hair to be ready *). I also decided to go to the workshop and pay the registration fee. I just trusted, both myself and the organizers. I decided to trust and ACT. And it worked! Later it even turned out that the workshop will take place much closer to my home than originally planned, so it’s a bonus too. Now looking forward to Saturday!

* While sitting at the hairdresser's: I realized there's a part of me who is a joyful child, full of energy, willing to go out and Be, willing to try, confident about herself and supported by her divine parents (by the Father in the Garden of Eden). And I told to myself: This is me! and kept repeating it many times. I am not this fearful, doubting, weak person who cannot make even a simplest decision, but I AM More, I AM a daughter of God, I have Power, and I am capable! I can do it because I have it in me!

And it was quite empowering. So I came home with a feeling of victory. Later my mom got some plums from a friend, and as we were thinking what to do with them, except cooking jam, I thought it might be good to simply boil them in a little water, and add a little sugar, as we sometimes do with apples. We never tried it before but my mom immediately accepted the idea, which is very strange for her because she doesn't like to experiment! And it turned out delicious – she also put a little lemon in it, which she knew goes well with plums. So it was cool – I gave direction to my mom and she accepted it and it was a Victory!

So it was a great day today! :)

SIN: Self-Indulgence, Self-Interest

I was just reading an excellent teaching on sin and the desires of the flesh: No Body is Going to Tell Me What to Do.

Some excerpts:

Personally, I have realised that – unpleasant as it may be – I have to acknowledge that my flesh LOVES to sin!

There is a part of me which left to its own devices will always gravitate towards self indulgence and self interest – SIN!

It is as I acknowledge my susceptibility to sin that I am prompted to take seriously my personal responsibility to exercise spiritual authority and mortify, crucify, and put to death my sinful (out of control) desires and appetites, while still enjoying the pleasures of Spirit-led and Spirit-controlled legitimate desires and appetites.

This is the key to balance. Sin is generally the out of control and insatiable pursuit of what is really a God-given desire or appetite. When God’s order is restored in our lives – spirit, soul, and body – then we are free to enjoy life to the full without hurting ourselves or anyone else in the process!

And I recognized myself in this one:

There is no peace for the carnal christian (who has a handle on grace but has no genuine fear of the Lord) or the hardline religious zealot (who has no handle on grace and so remains at a distance because of his irrational fear of the Lord).

I am the first type: a carnal Christian who knows God's grace (I know God loves me), but doesn't have fear of the Lord (I am abusing his goodness thinking I can keep indulging forever). Although I've been experiencing even the physical consequences of my self-indulgence for many years now.

In fact, last night I dreamed that I want to go on a missionary trip to a far-away land, but forgot to take some crucial stuff with me, specially my underwear (which signifies purity). Also that I am not willing to be crucified in order to get there. Crucifixion in this case would mean to crucify the desires of the flesh (gluttony) and resurrect as a free being in Christ.

There might be another reason why I am not doing it: I am afraid that if I let go of this attachment, I might be "too pure" and then will have some insights and divine direction which will make me fundamentally change my life. And that's what I fear... Is it possible that we close our eyes and stop our ears so we don't have to follow where God leads us?

So far I thought I was loving God's Will and following it, and yes, there were occasions I did it more often than not, but this particular attachment always remained - food always controlled me. It is an area of my life where my ego is still in control, instead of God. And the worst of all: as I am writing this, I am not falling on my knees to repent, but just observing it. What arrogance! What is this stronghold over me? In the article I linked above, it says:

Jesus said that there are some kinds of demonic stronghold that can only be broken by the level of spiritual authority that results from prayer and fasting – the power twins!

The disciples couldn't cast out a demon from a possessed young man. Jesus told them they don't have enough faith. He called for the young man to be brought to him, and he cast out the demon. Later the disciples asked him how come they were not able to do it, and Jesus answered: This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:29)

Which means that prayer and fasting strengthens faith and brings us closer to the Father, and as a result we too might cast out demons, perform miracles, be God's hands and feet like Jesus was. But for that, we need to rely fully on the Father for sustenance.

That's what Jesus did at the beginning of his mission. After having been baptized in the river Jordan, he was led by the spirit to go to the wilderness to be tempted by the devil (Matthew 4:1). He was fasting and praying for 40 days and nights, and when Satan came to tempt him, he rebuked him. Nothing could take him away from the Father. After Satan left, the angels administered unto him. Meaning that after he proved that he needs nothing but God, he received nurturance and sustenance from heaven.

God doesn't want us to mortify our bodies and live like ascetics, but we need to be willing to bear some suffering. We need to be willing to give up some comfort for God's sake. So far I have done some of it, but never fully. I've never given up food, but for one day. I didn't stay strong in the Lord, but for one day. A disciple of Christ can do better.

I am not going to say much more. The writing is on the wall. And in my dreams...

Don't hole up in your cave

There is only one thing that I remember from my dream last night: I am late for a conference (a spiritual retreat) and wearing a red-colored ski, which I unzip before entering the conference room, but I stay in it, although I am wearing normal clothes underneath. Somewhat embarrassed, without looking at the people in the room, I find a chair, sit down and start listening to the lecture.

That's what's actually happening in my life. The red overall represents my carnal mind, it is the propensity to overeat, to stuff myself with food, to eat because it feels good and to continue eating even when it starts hurting. I rarely say to myself, "OK, it's enough now." Although when I do, it actually works. Why don't I say it more often? Why don't I affirm that I love God more? What is it that I am still looking for in food? Is it just a habit that I cannot shake off because I repeated it so many times that it now happens automatically?

My heart changed, my heart loves God. But so many times I forget to talk to him, to pray, contemplate, spend time with him. Sometimes I am spending more time with food than with God. There is a saying, You are who your friends are. Many times food is a better companion for me than God. As much as I am embarrassed to admit it, this seems to be the case. I don't want to take off my red overall, and yet I want to be at the conference, communing with God.

There's warring in my members, as Paul said to Romans. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. (Romans 7:22-23)

The law of sin is in my members because I still like to indulge even if I know it's not right. Jesus had been fasting for 40 days in the wilderness, when Satan came, challenging him to turn the stones into bread, if he is the Son of God as he claims. But Jesus flatly refused, saying that man doesn't live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. He didn't argue with Satan or engage in a discussion with him, but clearly stated "I am not interested". And he affirmed the Word of God by which he lives. This is what I forget to do - or my ego wants me to forget. Because there's still a part of me which is interested, so there is no single-eyed vision which says: this is who I am, this is what I want in life, and as a consequence, this is how I live. I am divided in myself. And a house divided in itself cannot stand.

That's why Jesus said that the greatest commandment of the Law is "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:37) That's when you know who you are - a beloved son or daughter of God - and you think, feel, and act accordingly. You have a single-eyed vision and you are not distracted by the temptations of this world. You know that the only place you want to go is where God sends you, and the only desire you entertain is to serve God.

I want to serve God but I regularly find myself serving my ego as well. This hasn't brought me very far because it's like one step forward and one step back, and I am standing in one place. Yes, stagnation has been the grand theme of my life, even after I've found the spiritual path, because there was a conflict of interest: I was serving two masters.

And not just that, but there was fear. Instead of simply doing something I felt was worthwhile, I feared I wouldn't be good enough and that people wouldn't be interested, and I started finding excuses why it's more of a trouble than benefit - and finally I gave up! Instead of trusting that it's a worthy goal and asking God for help, I rather listened to the voice of doubt. My heart told me YES, my mind told me NO.

Another thing that happens is that indulgence stifles the voice of the heart. If you spend too much time in bad company, you won't feel too inspired. Too much food makes you heavy, lazy, sleepy and inert. So it's like two forces working together: on one hand indulgence, which turns you into a useless blob of meat, and on the other hand fear of making a move, which makes you hide in your cave and - indulge. A vicious cycle.

Which was first - fear or indulgence? I don't know. It's like asking what was first, the chicken or the egg. Well, first was God. In case of fears and indulgences - first was separation from God. Once you are separated, doubt creeps in easily, you don't trust yourself, you don't think you'll make it, you think it won't make a difference anyway, what's the use, etc etc. You kill your creativity, you silence your heart. And then you need to console yourself with something, and there come in various surrogates and indulgences.

Instead of giving out, you take in. When you give out selflessly, the love of God is moving through you and replenishes you. The more you give, the more you receive. But when you don't give out, you start decaying. That's very sad because God gave us talents and gifts and we only need to express them, and yet we don't. As if a cherry tree would refuse to bloom and give cherries, because it thinks it's not good enough or it's too hard to give cherries. Sure, we are a little different than cherries but you get my point - it's hard only when we are disconnected from God. The cherry tree is following God's plan for her - and it blossoms beautifully.

You can blossom too, if you open your heart to God. Don't hole up in your cave, don't allow indulgence or fear or guilt to eat you up. Open up the windows of your soul, breathe in some fresh air! And then, allow yourself to be moved.

Guidance through dreams

Recently I've started a new practice. Immediately upon awakening I ask God to tell me what I need to hear today, and so with that intention and focused in my heart, I open a random page in the Bible. And the first verse I spot is my "message of the day". All messages I received till now were very relevant...

This morning I did it a bit differently because I dreamed about pharaoh Tutankhamun and his image engraved on pink jade or a similar precious stone. In fact, I dreamed about a book with this image on the cover. My father (who usually represents God the Father) showed me this book as something very important, something that his colleagues at the university put together. It was an important legacy.

Now I googled Tutankhamun and he seemed to have been the worshipper of the One God, the spiritual Sun behind the physical sun. Tutankhamun was the son of Ikhnaton, who according to the Ascended Masters teachings was an embodiment of Mark Prophet and who introduced the One God/Sun worship. Here is an excerpt from Elizabeth Clare Prophet's lecture:

Thirty-three centuries ago, Ikhnaton recognized the one God in the spiritual sun behind the physical sun, and he called this God "Aton."

Ikhnaton visualized the Infinite One, Aton, as a divine being "clearly distinguished from the physical sun" yet manifest in the sunlight. Ikhnaton gave reverence to the "heat which is in the Sun,"as he saw it to be the vital heat that accompanied all life. To me, that says that Ikhnaton understood that the heat of the sun represented its spiritual energy.

Ikhnaton created a symbol that depicted Aton as a golden circular disk from which diverging beams radiated. He was careful to point out that the solar disk itself was not God but only a symbol of God. Each diverging beam, or ray, ended in a hand extending over every person as a blessing, and in some depictions the hand brought the ankh, the symbol of life, directly to Ikhnaton and his Queen.

Ikhnaton also saw God as a personality whose "beams nourish every field" and "live and grow for thee." These beams are the very seeds of light and sparks of light that form our own threefold flame in the secret chamber of our heart. Padma Sambhava once told us, "God's infinite rays of light are a part of you, for all rays and all sons and daughters of God hail from the one Source." In other words, we, at our very core and in our very essence, are also formed of God's light.

Ikhnaton wrote a hymn to Aton that has often been compared to Psalm 104 because it expresses many of the same ideas of the one God imminent within his creation and within the heart of man; it also shows that Ikhnaton knew he owed his very life and success to Aton.

Hymn to Aton

Thy dawning is beautiful in the horizon of heaven,
O Living Aton, Beginning of life!
When thou risest in the eastern horizon of heaven,
Thou fillest every land with thy beauty;
For thou art beautiful, great, glittering,
high over the earth..
Thou art in my heart.
There is no other that knoweth thee,
save thy son Ikhnaton.
Thou hast made him wise in thy designs
and in thy might.

There were some other parts in the dream so I wondered what actually the message is. And so I went to the Bible: I asked, closed my eyes, focused, breathed deeply :) and as I was moving my fingers across the side of the Bible to "feel" where to stop, a distinct number appeared in my mind: 444. I felt this is the page I should go to. In that moment I opened my eyes and checked which page I am on.... and it was 444! Wow! And the title of the page: The twelve sent forth to preach.

Now I am trying to put it all together... could it mean that I should preach about the One God worshipped by Tutankhamun and Ikhnaton, and not only that but put it in writing?? Possibly. Oh my. Oh well :)

Thank you God for guiding me and showing me the way. You are Great.

Eye to eye

Wow, I created my first blog! It wasn't that difficult after all... actually as I was registering the name, there was some error in the processing and when I tried it again, the domain name was already taken! I was like - what?!?! This cannot be! Then I realized it was already taken by me, because the first attempt was successful after all. Phew, that was a relief! :)

So here we are. Ruby Path, or the Path of the Ruby Ray, is the path of saints and avatars. It is a path of sacrifice, surrender, selflessness and service. Do I want to be a saint? Well, I would like to, but there are temptations... but with God, all things are possible.

My definition of a saint is maybe a bit different than the definition of the Catholic Church, although they may overlap. To me, a saint is someone who is walking with God, following God's will, surrendering all their worldly attachments (money, power, fame, pleasures of the senses, material security, romantic fulfillment etc), so they can hear God's voice and be his hands and feet on earth.

We all have a divine plan, but many of us don't have a clue what it is. Well, whom best to ask but God? Pray, meditate, listen and what is most important - surrender, surrender, surrender. Give your burden to God, or to Jesus, or Mother Mary. Ask them to take away your anger and resentment, your pain and sorrow, your improper desires. Sincerely ask them and you will be free.

Today I was walking in the forest and saw a young man sniffing glue, at an outlook point. I saw him from the back, he had a hood on and was shaking and twitching. I centered in my heart and called for binding and judgment of the dark forces attached to him, and for sealing of his aura so he may be protected and able to make a better choice. I prayed for his enlightenment and healing.

In the meanwhile he took off his hood and revealed a messy greasy hair and quite a miserable condition. I was standing some 15 meters from him, at a bench, looking at him but he didn't see me, because he was turned with his back. On my way back, I passed by him, looking straight at him, with an expression that was a combination of worry and compassion, and maybe some strictness too. After two or three seconds of looking at each other, he nodded as in greeting, and I waved my hand greeting him back. And then he disappeared from my sight...

I was quite surprised that he nodded. I was thinking that maybe there is a chance for him and that my call did something. Tears came to my eyes. I felt like Mother Mary was there with me. At that moment heaven and earth felt like one. I thought to myself - this is Life, this is Being. The Path of the Ruby Ray. And a hint of it, today.

Bless you all. May we overcome and Be More.